Today friends took us to see Silver Lining Playbook, what we all expected to be a romantic comedy and cheery holiday afternoon. It is not. It is a painful look in the window of a family suffering from the raw consequences of bi-polar disorder and all that entails. The romance comes from the happy ending. We are supposed to walk away satisfied and feeling good, like everything is OK.
I didn’t know what bi-polar disorder was until I went to prison. Suddenly I was surrounded by so many women suffering, and I do mean suffering, from this disease. The mood swings were dramatic and the meds were not exactly balanced. When the women were on a high, they felt that they were fine and didn’t need meds. When they were on a low (and the low is really low), they were too angry to even consider meds. I have never seen so much pain. It was like their skin hurt. I felt if you touched them, they might scream in agony, like a horrific burn. The medical department is over-run with this and terribly understaffed. No one is getting appropriate and timely treatment, thus the meds are not properly regulated or adjusted. It’s a desperate and sad situation.
The film brought it all back to me. There is a scene where the lead characters (who are brilliant, by the way), are discussing all the meds they’ve been on. I know that conversation; I heard it a lot in both jail and prison. So many meds; so much pain. They listed them all and then came to Klonopin. They rolled their eyes and agreed that could make you comatose.
In the darkness of the theater, my stomach suddenly turned over and I gasped inwardly. Klonopin. It all came back to me. When I was in jail facing a mastectomy, alone and terrified, I could not sleep and I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. Loud noises made me jump out of my skin and what is jail without clanging and banging? I shook all the time. Bringing a cup to my lips sometimes took both hands. The doctor prescribed Klonopin for me. I had no idea what it was. Nor did I know that it was highly addictive. I just took it and then mercifully slept. When I was awake, there seemed to be a sort of fuzzy haze over the black and white stripes of my environment. I was still afraid and still shook but I didn’t seem to care as much.
Finally, I had my surgery and mourned my new, lopsided self. I went back to court a few times, and eventually was sent to prison, all the while dealing with the emotional distress through the fog of Klonopin. In prison, when the nurse practitioner saw me, she was disinterested in my recent surgery and the Klonopin. They don’t prescribe that in prison. I had no idea why until later when my sisters in orange sighed and told me how addictive it is. At the time, I had no idea what was happening to me. Suddenly, I couldn’t sleep. I thought it was the cold, tiny cell and one inch plastic mattress on its steel foundation. I wrapped my t-shirt around my head and kept on all my clothes under the cotton jacket. Still, I shivered. I didn’t want to lie down or stand up. I tossed and turned. My skin hurt. I was short of breath and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I had no idea what was wrong with me and medical wouldn’t see me. The agony lasted about three weeks, then slowly, very slowly I began to recover. It can take months for it to completely leave your system and after chemo and surgery, my system was very fragile.
It was much later when I learned this was drug withdrawal. It was awful. I also learned it is extremely dangerous to stop Klonopin cold turkey. It is a drug that should be tapered off, accompanied by medical supervision. Along with the painful withdrawal, it can cause seizures. At the time, I thought it was the cancer and I was probably dying. The surgeons said my margins weren’t clean and things didn’t look too good. I was sick, I was afraid, and death actually sounded like a great relief.
Everything I experienced was brought back to me in this film. But my story was truly minor compared to the other stories about the mental illness that many of these women battled every day and continue to deal with. This is one of the enormous issues connected with America as an Incarceration Nation. People who need mental health treatment are instead sent to prison. Health care budgets continue to be cut and so we bundle people off behind the wires and walls. Out of sight, out of mind.
In Silver Lining Playbook, Pat is lucky. He serves eight months in a mental health facility instead of years in prison. And he somehow manages to take his meds, find love, win a bet for his dad, and live happily ever after. If only it were so simple. It’s not. As we walked out into the sunlight, I wondered how someone diagnosed with bi-polar disorder would feel watching this film. I can’t imagine. This is a provocative story, brilliantly acted and getting lots of buzz. It brought up painful memories and emotions in me that I felt compelled to share.
In sharing it, I hope you will consider how America is dealing with our community of people who struggle with mental health issues of all types. We must be more compassionate and less judgmental. It is not easy. I have a very courageous friend named Mary Lou Brncik who works tirelessly in this arena. Her organization is David’s Hope. I urge you to visit her site and LIKE her page, http://www.davidshopeaz.org Periodically she holds important Town Hall meetings to bring awareness to these issues. You owe it to yourself and your community to get on her mailing list and attend. We are all in this together.
Great blog. My granddaughter is reading the book and said it was very interesting. I hav e person who I thought was a friend who I think is bipolar or borderline and this puts things more in place. Don’t know much about Klonopin but it sounds dangerous. I feel very bad for you and all the feelings it is bringing up for you.just to know you are free and can deal with your past in a way more positive is a blessing and a miracle. You do know that God is Good ALL the time and we are all learning from you. Thank you always for that. Hugs and love R R
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We saw the movie with Shannon at Thanksgiving time. Agreed, it was an emotional movie. One of the many prescription drugs that Shannon had been taking was Klonopin. I came to realize why she was sleeping so much…that drug mixed with the others…it’s a miracle my daughter is still alive. ALL of her meds were prescribed by the same doctor!! (Last I heard she was on leave…I hope a permanent leave!)
I am happy to say Shannon is reaching her 6-month mark of being clean and sober. God listens and answers our prayers; He most certainly has been watching over my daughter.
So looking forward to seeing you at all of the events coming up in the next 2 weeks. We are all so truly blessed and have much to be thankful for. Hugs, Charlene
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I am a reluctant advocate for mental illness. My life was so comfortable and stereotypical – Married 28 years, three children, a house in a nice neighborhood and a loyal family dog. I believed the police, lawyers and the court system were all there to protect me and my family. I “drank the cool-aid” of ignorance and planned to live happily ever after.
The worst April fool’s Joke in the history of this planet was in 2009, when my wife and I received the call that our Son was in ICU after an encounter with the police. Experiencing his “First Episode” of psychosis (first psychotic break), he believed he was in grave danger – his Mom was sending him messages telepathically to run for his life. The Police mistakenly believed he was a criminal. Six felony charges and a plea bargain later, I still remember the judge’s words at sentencing (taken directly from the court transcript):
“I do find, however, there’s nothing in this record to indicate that this defendant committed these acts out of malice towards police officers. The evidence in the case and this is contained in the psychological and medical information is the defendant had a psychotic state at the time and continues to have mental health issues. The Court is also mindful that the Court’s role is also, has a role of being punitive. Notwithstanding the arguments of defense counsel, treatment in an in-patent facility is not punishment. It’s treatment. It shouldn’t be considered punishment. The Court finds it is appropriate that the defendant be given 30 days in the county jail with credit for four days of time served.”
Punishment not treatment is the appropriate solution? It was from that point forward, after days of crying myself to sleep while attempting to comfort my wife, I decided there is something wrong with incarceration instead of treatment. I was certain the “system” understood my son’s condition and would be there to “protect” me. I was a fool.
I never drank the cool-aid again and that’s why I became involved with David’s Hope and that’s how I met Sue Ellen Allen. I have drawn so much inspiration from Sue Ellen and I’m grateful for her advocacy. Both of our “picket fences” are gone and now we know what we didn’t know. Each of us can choose to get involved or stay ignorant. Perhaps you might say:
“Been there. Done that. Now how can I help?”
Thank you so much, Scott.Your words should be mandatory reading for all judges, lawyers and police. AND the rest of the world. Those of us involved in this arena are mostly those who have fallen down the rabbit hole. Until you go there, you don’t have a clue. It doesn’t seem real but it is. Bless you for your tireless work on behalf of all those dealing with this. It’s so very hard and sometimes we wonder how and why we keep going. Then we get a letter from someone whose life we’ve touched and we KNOW. See you in the rabbit hole:))